Parenthood

How I feel I have failed my darling daughter

My dearest darling daughter ohh how I feel I have failed you so far.

I hadn’t realised how much my low mood had effected you until I have started to step more into the light and thankfully seem to be taking you with me.

You seem to mirror my inner thoughts effortlessly and up until this point I felt like you were hating me but in reality it was me hating myself. You were just echoing my thoughts through the connection we must share.

I feel I have failed you because all of this time I have been blaming YOUR behaviour as a reason for my low mood and depression and yet MY depression is to be ‘blamed’ for your behaviour. I feel I have labeled you in my head as ‘hard’ and ‘naughty’ but in reality you are a gorgeous little kind girl is is trying to make sense of the world just as I am. I just have 36 years more experience than you.

You have taught me so much in these short 3 years and I hope it is not too late for me to get back on track with this mothering lark and show you how I can be there for you, as you navigate this crazy world for yourself. You are one incredible strong lady and I hope that I can mirror that strength back at you and together we can achieve all that we dare to dream.

Please know there was nothing I could have done and had to step back into the light a little bit at a time until the shadows seemed less dark and more of a reminder to not take the light for granted. I hope you will never experience the darkness like I have but I also fear that you probably will. It seems to be in our genetics and I just prey that I can learn enough to save you from the frightening grasp as quick as it starts to take hold.

Since I have embraced life a little more, and started looking at things in a slightly different way, I feel much more at peace. I feel less pressured and more able to sit and play and joke with you. You are responding to this with so much joy and love and am falling head over heels in love with everything that you are. I feel so much more patient as you test out various ‘buttons’ of mine and while I am not, and never will be, perfect I feel I am stronger to step up and be your Mother.

Of course I have always loved you more than you will ever know but the darkness was stopping me from enjoying all that you are. It is one of life’s hidden demons and can strike at any time. Hormones are wicked things when they are not in balance and make you utterly convinced that all your mind-monkeys are speaking the truth and that life is here to destroy you.

Luckily when things begin to balance the light comes back brighter than ever which is why I am feeling such an outpouring of love and emotion as I look at your beautiful little face smiling up at me. I almost feel like I have missed you and I am running towards you with open arms. I am so grateful that I am your Mum and just hope that this is our life from now on and the darkness will never return. If it does, and in reality I am sure it will, that I will try hard to remember what is happening and we will just need to navigate back to light as quickly as we can TOGETHER.

With love now and forever,
Mummy xx