I was going to do a video after the school run. Share what is going on for me IN THE MOMENT but then I thought about it and I can probably convey it in words and will save you tears, a potential panic attack and someone who looks fairly shocking this morning. Also all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry. I do have a massage booked in later (a commitment I made to myself this year of radical self care) BUT I am already considering cancelling as “I don’t have enough time” but I do. You do to. We just tell our selves we don’t as some form of self punishment for being totally rubbish at whatever we are beating ourselves up about today. There is always something hey?
You see I went to a talk on Mental Health yesterday, at The Fmly Store in Bruton, and thought I was feeling really quite happy but everything has settled and it has left me feeling empty. More than empty. I feel heavy like I can’t move and the only reason I am out of bed is to get my kids to school. I have journaled to work out what it is and I think it is because I realise I am not as “fixed” as I thought I was and that really we will never be truly fixed. This is quite a daunting thought as I just want to get on with my life and create something amazing but my mental health keeps holding me back and I can’t seem to fix it. I am a fixer.. I fix problems.. I am a computer programmer and that’s what you do… you work out a way to make something happen… but I can’t fix this. I feel like I have failed which upsets me as I want to fix myself so I can share and help others too.
At the talk they described the way they were feeling when they realised they were suffering and I realised that this is how I feel RIGHT NOW and yet I am managing to exist on a very practical level. I feel like everything is grey and really struggling to get my mojo. I am struggling to breath on a daily basis, I feel like all I want to do is be home alone under the duvet and convincing myself of things which I know are no good for me… cutting people out and basically trying to become a recluse. I can hear how I am talking to myself – always convincing myself that I am useless and people would be better off without me. My Mum can see I am not better… all the times I have been saying “ i am better now” she says I am not and should see someone. I think I have been so busy convincing everyone (including me) that I am better so I can crack on with my big world domination of kindness and happiness that I have been “acting as if” i am better… so much so =I started to believe me too. But yesterday felt like a big plaster had been ripped off while I wasn’t looking. To think you had got it all together and realise that you have just been masking it all with a desire to ‘get stuff done’ came as a bit of a shock.
But I think I am REALLY good at pretending, I always have been… even when I was in the depths of it all, which is how I am left feeling.. like I have been pretending I am better as I don’t want to turn to tablets. I have seen people become zombies on tablets and I just can’t do that to my kids but all three ladies at the front where on tablets and they had a real zest for life. Tablets seem to be really helping them and yet I am forcing myself to do this alone… with no help… why do I expect so much of myself? Why can’t I accept help? Once again I guess I am trying to change the system and prove the impossible.
So Yesterday, hearing these amazing ladies talk, I realised that Mental Health is a life long battle which we will never truly win. I have been feeling so strong in Jan, we have had some great wins in business and yet today I feel like I did that first day of the working month.. First day of feb..here I am again..feeling like I have been hit by a bus. I even went to bed at 6.30 last night as I couldn’t be bothered to eat, clean or work. I just led there staring into space. I knew I had so much work to do and I have cancelled an interview I was really looking forward to as I know I am not myself so would not give the interview I want to give.
One of the ladies Bryony, author of Mad Girl, shared how the day before she had a shit day and then yesterday she was having a good day and it is just a matter of getting up and getting the shit day out of the way. I will be using this advice today as I really do have so much I need to do but YES I will be at that massage and YES I resist all the temptation to cancel as I know that this will be EXACTLY what I need. Not just the massage but me looking out for me. Me putting my needs first as I know I need to feel good in order to be the mum I want to be. It is not me being selfish.. it is me doing the very best thing I can do in this life… looking after me so I can look after the ones I love.
So if you are feeling low, lost or blue… what can you do to boost yourself TODAY… to give you a lift up? Don’t wait for someone else to come in and save you as they won’t.. no one is coming… you have to be the one to take that first step to look out for yourself. YOU and only YOU can pull yourself out of this. If you do something small today then tomorrow will be a slightly better day, then do something small tomorrow and the day after will be slightly better…. don’t put this stuff off lovely as you NEED it.. this is not a negotiable… YOU NEED SELF CARE… And if you can’t think of anything which you would enjoy or make you feel better then this is a sign you need it more than ever so think of something you used to enjoy… even as a child and start there. You may not enjoy it straight away but do it for you….. and keep trying until you feel the shift starting to happen AND THEN KEEP GOING!!!
And if you are not sure why you are feeling a certain way then please try journaling.. it is like a key to what’s going on in your heart and you are the only one who has access to it.
Big big hugs
PS: While writing this I got so engrossed in it all flowing out that we were late for Nursery, My threenager spilt cereal all over the floor and then trod it all in, I forgot Olivers packed lunch, I became shouty mum and then after dropping Oliver off I couldn’t stop tears rolling down my cheek. The sort of tears which just fall from no where and you can’t stop them, only brush them away. Not a sob or anything… just a drip drip drip of sadness. I am hoping when this is published I will feel better (I normally do) and crack on with my day as if I am feeling ok as I REALLY need to be feeling ok today. I have toooo much to do… leave me alone black dog I have had enough of loosing you only for you to find me again.