I thought I would take a moment to share how this anxious feeling feels for me. This may be totally different to you but the more we share how we feel the less alone we feel.
Before I begin though I think it is important to know that I have NO real reason to be anxious right now. The physical symptoms I have are here of their own accord and while we feel it is in the mind.. it really is a whole body thing which is why stress and anxiety is something we need to take seriously.
For me, as I am there now, it feels like a physical tightening.
I feel like I can’t breath.
I feel like every breath is very conscious and I need to remind myself to draw breath.
I feel like my nose is blocked and I can’t draw in breath even though physically I can. My chest feels tight.
I feel like tears are hiding behind my eyes waiting to burst out of no-where at any time.
I feel like a dead weight. I feel like I can’t be bothered. I feel scared and I feel alone.
I feel scared when I get the post as if I am expecting something awful.
I feel scared when the phone rings in-case it is bad news.
I feel like I am waiting for my world to fall apart even though everything is pretty darn good.
I feel numb but at the same time I feel sensitive.
I feel lost with these feelings as they don’t make sense to me as I have no reason. There is nothing wrong. I SHOULD be REALLY happy right now.
I have things that I should be doing, that I want to be doing and that I long to be doing but I feel to heavy to move.
I have everything I ever wanted and yet I feel empty.
I can see the amazing future ahead of me and yet I can’t be bloody arsed to do the most simple of things.
I feel like I could achieve so much if only I could shed this weight on my shoulders which isn’t even there. How can you remove something which isn’t even there?
I feel shaky, heavy, restricted and scared.
It is such a horrible feeling and yet I can see it for what it is. I see you anxiety. I can see you trying to take me but I won’t let you. I am bigger than you. I am stronger that you and I am smarter that you.
We can play this game as often as you like but I will always win.
I may be feeling like I would rather head for the duvet but I won’t let you take me there. I will keep writing. I will keep sharing and I will keep soldering on.
Anxiety I forgive you. But I am not ready to love you.