So today is my Daughters third birthday and it should be a really happy occasion.
However, I just feel an empty sadness which I feel every birthday (always mine and now my children) and I am sat here trying to work out why I am battling the tears from streaming down my face instead of celebrating that this time last year I brought the most amazing little girl into the world.
I am only guessing but here is my theory..
Always a mothers guilt.
Seriously what do I have to feel guilty about? Probably nothing but that doesn’t stop us does it?
I feel that every birthday signifies that another year has passed and yet I have not achieved my ‘goal’ which is probably because it keeps moving and have set my sights on a life which is far from ordinary. I am frustrated that I have not been able to break us out of this broken system yet and found a way to live in a way which makes my soul happy. I am so much closer than when I had a “9-5” but still a way to go yet.
I also feel a pang of guilt that another year has passed and I probably have not spent enough time cherishing my little two.
I feel guilty that I have not spent enough time playing on the floor with my children.
I feel guilty that I have not spent enough time laughing with my children.
I feel guilty that I spent the first year of her life in a depressed haze and didn’t feel I could connect as I would have wanted. A year I will never get back.
I feel guilty that I have had hateful thoughts when her behavior was pushing me over the brink of insanity.
I feel guilty that she is ignored by extended family because they don’t like me as much as others.
I feel guilty that I want to build my business and that being a Mother is not enough to keep me mentally stimulated. I need more.
I adore my work but another year has passed and do I wish that I had worked more hours?
I wish I had slowed down and truly taken in all that life as a Mummy offers. The good and the bad.
I was driving through the lanes to the CreateMore.Space workshop and it dawned on me as I looked up in the trees. Gorgeous browns, reds and a shimmer which was created purely by nature.
They were STUNNING.
I am to busy beating up all over the world at how broken it is but when we strip all the silly human behavior and the society dictated nonsense out we are left with a truly miraculous world.
Like TRULY miraculous.
We are hoping for, and looking for, miracles EVERY day and yet they surround us. Even when we look above. When we take time to stop and look. REALLY look.
The trick is that we need to stop long enough to stop worrying. to stop feeling guilt. To stop wishing life was different. We need to create more space in our lives to truly connect with the truth of where we are.
It is only when we allow ourselves to stop and take in where we are that we can truly appreciate all we have. We can gain a real clarity over where we are and what we truly want.
What our values are and what is important to us. It is only when we REALLY understand what is in our hearts that we can start to take steps towards the amazing life which is waiting for us.